When Your Brain Won't Shut Off
It's 5:15 AM as I write this.
I used to be one of those "wake up and win the day" people. I used to have a morning routine. These days I feel more reactive than proactive. But right now, this is the only hour nothing needs me.
I needed to create something. Anything. To remind myself I still exist beyond "Mom" and "the one who remembers everything."
The Last Few Months
The last few months have been brutal. Our baby arrived two months ago, and Quinn (who's now three and a half) has been dealing with the transition. Sleep issues. Behavior changes. Meanwhile, I took on projects at work that were more ambitious than I'd planned.
But here's where I am now: stretched so thin I can't recognize the person in the mirror. I haven't worked out consistently in months, which is so unlike me. Last week I wrote about the anchor loop, and even that feels impossible some days.
The Question I'm Too Scared to Ask
Because here's what I know:
I've been wrestling with a question I'm almost too scared to write down: Should I just give up my ambition?
- I can't give up my work and feel good about myself
- I can't keep doing this and feel good about myself
- So I'm stuck feeling like I'm failing at both
This isn't the "balance" conversation. I'm so tired of that word. There is no balance. There's no hack. There's no system that makes two full-time identities fit into one human body.
Some days I'm a great mom. Some days I'm great at my work. I haven't figured out how to be both in the same day. And most days? I feel like I'm failing at both.
The 4:30 PM Wrestling Match
Yesterday at 4:15, I was finally in flow. Deep in code, building something I actually cared about. My brain was humming in that way it rarely does these days.
And here's the part I feel guilty even admitting: I was genuinely excited to see Quinn. I love picking her up, seeing her face light up when she spots me. But I was also genuinely frustrated that I had to stop. I wanted both. I wanted to keep building AND go get my daughter.
Then my phone alarm went off: Daycare pickup in 15 minutes.
And this is the wrestling match nobody talks about. It's not that I don't want to be with my kid. It's not that I don't love my work. It's that every single day, I want both, and there's only enough time for one to get the full version of me.
So I give everyone half. Half-present mom. Half-focused entrepreneur. And I walk around feeling like I'm failing at both because neither gets all of me.
The Mental Load No One Talks About
Even with a supportive partner (and I do, Emily is incredible), the mental load never stops.
When you're a parent, your brain is always going. When you're a business owner, your brain is always going. When you're both? Your brain literally never stops.
With ADHD, every context switch costs me more. By the time I sit down to work, I've already switched contexts 47 times. I'm mentally exhausted before I begin.
What Actually Helps (Not Fixes)
I don't have an answer for how to do this well. But here's what helps me survive it: just getting it out of my head.
When I'm at my worst, I do a brain dump. Everything swirling. All the "shoulds." All the guilt. All the impossible choices.
But here's the key — I don't organize by importance. Because when I'm this stretched, nothing feels important and everything feels impossible.
Instead, I ask: which of these would give me just enough energy to keep going?
Not "What should I do first?" But "What identity (parent/professional/person) actually has capacity today?"
Some days it's the entrepreneur identity. Some days it's the mom identity. Some days it's just "person who needs to take a shower."
And I do that thing first, without guilt.
The Mental Load Dump
This week's challenge isn't about fixing anything. It's about creating a release valve
Part 1: Brain Dump (3 minutes)
- Open notes or grab a notebook
- Write down everything taking up mental space
- All the logistics no one sees
- All the "shoulds" from both identities
- All the guilt and impossible choices
- Don't solve it. Just get it OUT of your head
Part 2: Energy Check (2 minutes)
- Look at your list
- Don't ask "What's most important?"
- Ask: "Which of these would give me energy right now?"
- Which identity (parent/professional/person) has capacity today?
- Circle ONE thing
- Do it first, without guilt
Make It Easier: Voice memo while sitting in your car before going inside. Sometimes you just need to say it out loud, even if it's only to your phone.
The Permission You Need
I don't have an answer for how to do this well.
But maybe it helps to know someone else is at their desk at 5:15 AM, feeling exactly the same way, and still showing up. Not because I have it figured out. But because sometimes winning Wednesday means admitting you're barely holding on and doing the next small thing anyway.
🎧 Podcast: Dr. Becky Kennedy - "Good Inside" on Parental Guilt
She talks about the "good enough parent" concept in a way that actually helps. When you're failing at everything, this one lands differently.
🔍 Cool Find: Voice Memo App
Go for a walk and talk into your iPhone's voice memo app. Gets everything out of your head without the friction of writing. Then you can filter and organize it before putting it on paper.
What would you need to give yourself permission to stop carrying alone?
From one exhausted, ambitious, stretched-too-thin human to another.
