Still Wearing Your Costume?
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what Leo should be for Halloween. He's 2.5 months old and can barely hold his head up straight yet.
Last year, my daughter was Princess Peach and we built Mario Kart around her. This year she's going as Glinda from Wicked (pink, sparkles, princess version 3.0), and I'm staring at Leo, who has no idea this holiday exists, trying to decide who he should dress up as.
And then it hit me, watching him sleep-squirm in his bassinet: he's the only one who gets to just be. No costume needed. No role to play. Just Leo.
He doesn't need to dress up yet because he doesn't have a role yet. He's not performing for anyone. He's not trying to be anything other than exactly what he is at this moment.
When did we forget how to do that?
The rest of us? We've been wearing costumes so long we forgot we put them on.
During Halloween, millions of people will dress up as someone else. Superheroes. Witches. Naughty nurses. Whatever they're not in real life.
But here's the thing: Halloween isn't the problem. It's the one night we're honest about playing a role. Every other day of the year? We're still performing. We've just convinced ourselves it's who we actually are.
The "I have it together" version. The "productive entrepreneur" version. The "present parent who's not secretly thinking about work" version.
I became three different people before 9 AM this morning. Middle-of-the-night Cathryn feeding an infant half awake. Rushed morning Cathryn trying to get Quinn out the door. CEO Cathryn on a team call. Then there’s ADHD Cathryn, hyperfocused on one thing and completely forgetting everything else exists.
Here's what I've been thinking about: every person in your life sees a different version of you. Your partner sees one version. Your kids see another. Your team sees another. A stranger you just met sees another.
And somewhere in all those versions, you're trying to figure out which one is actually you.
The Brain Science Nobody Talks About
Columbia University released research last month on something wild: your brain doesn't just passively experience your day. It actively divides your life into chapters. Different scenes. Different versions of you.
What determines when your brain starts a new chapter isn't just what's happening around you. It's what you're paying attention to. The role you're playing. The identity you're performing.
Every time you switch contexts, from parent to professional, from focused work to scrolling, from "on" to "off". Your brain literally creates a new chapter. A new version of you shows up.
For those of us with ADHD, this switching cost is brutal. Each context switch isn't just a mental gear change. It's becoming an entirely different person. Parent-me has different energy than CEO-me. CEO-me has a different focus than writing-me. By the time I've shifted identities five times before lunch, I'm not tired from the work. I'm tired from the constant wardrobe change 😅.
The Question I Can't Stop Thinking About
Want to know the role that exhausts me most? I'm supposed to have this figured out. The founder of a company called BestSelf should probably feel like her best self more often than she does. The version of me writing this newsletter at 5 AM because it's the only quiet hour I have? That's supposed to be the exception, not the rule.
But what if that thinking is backwards?
What if the most authentic version of you is the one you're hiding?
Not the highlight reel. Not the "crushing it" version. Not even the "I'm doing my best" version.
The version that's tired. The version that doesn't have answers. The version that's figuring it out as you go.
What if that's not the performance? What if that's who you actually are, and the act is pretending you're someone else?
Stop Performing
This week, pick ONE role you're tired of playing. Just one.
Part 1: Name It (2 minutes)
- What role are you performing that doesn't feel true anymore?
- The "always has it together" persona?
- The "never needs help" identity?
- The "should be further along by now" story?
- Write it down.
Part 2: Pick one low-stakes conversation this week (ideally today/tomorrow while this is fresh):
- Pick one low-stakes conversation (coffee with a friend, team check-in, chat with your partner)
- Say the thing you usually don't say:
- "I don't have this figured out"
- "I'm struggling with this"
- "I need help" - Just one sentence. That's it.
- Notice what happens.
Part 3: Ask Yourself (1 minute)
- Did anything bad happen when you dropped the act?
- Did people reject you? Judge you? Walk away?
- Or did they just... see you?
Make It Easier: Just notice the roles you're playing. Don't stop performing yet. Just notice when you're acting versus when you're just being. Awareness is the whole point.
What role are you playing that you're ready to stop performing?
📚 Research: Brain Event Segmentation Study - Columbia University.
October 2024 research on how your brain creates identity "chapters" throughout the day. What you pay attention to determines which version of you shows up.
📖 Read: Mirror and a Mask: Social Media's Dual Impact on Identity.
July 2025 research on how social media creates "identity shift", when we internalize our online persona. The study found that people who present idealized versions of themselves have lower self-concept clarity. The more we perform, the less we know who we actually are.
🛠️ Tool: Helm.
When Helm asks "What are you working on?" at the start of each focus session, you're giving your brain permission to close the last chapter and start fresh.
