The Longest Relationship You'll Ever Have
Here's something I wish someone had told me at 25: every relationship will fail until you either meet the right person or you become the right person.
And honestly? Becoming the right person matters more.
Back in my younger years, I was way more insecure than I'd admit to anyone. I wasn't comfortable with myself, which meant I couldn't show up the way I wanted to in relationships. I'd try to be what I thought the other person wanted. I'd ignore red flags because being alone felt worse. I'd convince myself that the right person would just make everything click.
Turns out, that's not how it works.
The worst thing that can happen is meeting the right person at the wrong time. When you're not ready. When you haven't figured out your own operating manual yet. It's like handing someone a car with no maintenance records and wondering why things break down.
The Operating Manual You're Missing
You're born with yourself. You'll die with yourself. That's the longest relationship you'll ever have, and nobody ever teaches you that it requires work.
We're not lazy about self-knowledge. Nobody ever taught us it matters. We were never handed an operating manual for ourselves. So we show up in relationships hoping whoever we're with can figure us out better than we've figured ourselves out.
That's not fair to them. And it's definitely not fair to you.
You wouldn't buy a fridge without knowing how it works. You'd read the manual. You'd learn the maintenance. You'd know what breaks it.
So why do we show up in relationships without knowing our own maintenance requirements?
Why Self-Knowledge Feels Like Work (And Why That's Okay)
There are two types of fun:
- Type 1: Fun in the moment. The party. The good time. Easy dopamine.
- Type 2: Not fun in the moment, but you're glad you did it afterward. The marathon. The hard conversation. The thing that builds you.
Getting to know yourself is Type 2 fun. It's uncomfortable. It's not sexy. It feels self-indulgent when you could be doing something "productive."
But skipping it means you're living the same year over and over again. Some people die at 30 but don't get buried until 70. Are you one of them?
The Self-Maintenance Checklist
Here's what actually works when you're trying to become someone you'd want to be in a relationship with:
1. Know your non-negotiables. Not the superficial stuff. The real stuff. What do you need to feel safe? What shuts you down? What lights you up? If you don't know, you can't communicate it. And if you can't communicate it, nobody's going to guess right.
2. Track your patterns. You keep ending up in the same fights? You ghost when things get real? You attract the same type of person? That's data. Stop ignoring it. Write it down. Look for the common thread. It's usually you.
3. Do the work nobody sees. Therapy. Journaling. Sitting with the uncomfortable stuff instead of scrolling past it. Going to bed when you said you would. Keeping promises to yourself. The small maintenance that prevents the big breakdowns.
Ask yourself one real question
When do we celebrate the relationship we have with ourselves?
This week, take 10 minutes and ask yourself one question you've been avoiding. Not to become better for someone else. Just to know yourself a little more honestly.
Try one of these:
- What do I actually want right now, if I stop thinking about what I should want?
- What part of myself am I hiding because I think it's too much?
- If nobody was watching, what would I change tomorrow?
You don't have to share the answers with anyone. You don't even have to write them down. But you do have to sit with them long enough to feel uncomfortable.
That's how you know you're asking the right questions.
